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Thursday

31

December 2015

Top Tech Wins And Fails Of 2015

by ChadzwickGlustone

Folks, 2015 has come and gone, with no beta test. Just a little tech humor for you. It was a year like any other. It was made up of days, hours, minutes, seconds, but most importantly wins and fails. We experienced the highest highs and lowest lows in this year. Wars were lost, wars were won. The greatest triumph of the human spirit sat beside the lowest in depravity. From the dastardly men of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria and the woman suing Uber, from the heroes at the Bataclan who sacrificed themselves for other and the people who drive the Google Bus, it was was a tapestry of us.

Top Win-Firearms Lobby

Love them or hate them, the NRA worked overtime this year. Thanks to their savvy use of apps, hashtags, and crowdsourcing, the gun lobby avoided any legislative repercussion for the the multiple mass shootings of 2015. You would have to be extremely biased, possibly as result of getting shot yourself, to disagree.

Top Fail-Syria

With all sides of the Syrian conflict getting annihilated by American, Israeli, and Russian aircraft, no one thought to disrupt a no-fly zone with a radar-jamming app. We’ve heard a lot of talk about how Steve Jobs was the son of a Syrian immigrant, but none of the great one’s innovative sense was present in this curious republic in the least. ISIS, Hezbollah, Syrian Arab Army, and FSA soldiers all resorted to the same low-tech method to evade attack: hiding behind big rocks. Yes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad once led the Syrian Computer Society, but I can tell the man’s never coded a day in his life, nor has anyone else in this country.

Most Exciting Ideas-Uber Key Parties

May sound like an oxymoron. How are you gonna swap wives based on automobiles when you’re all ride sharing? That’s where this great idea from my longtime friend TechfuckErnst comes in. Every Uber driver is brought into the domicile, and has the name of the prospective spouse you desire hanging around their necks on a big paper sign. You then tap the driver on the shoulder, and go and do your thing. Brilliant!

Most Exciting Comeback On The Horizon-Elizabeth Holmes

People are upset that Theranos’ tool for people with diabetes or whatever doesn’t work sometime. First of all, beggars can’t be choosers. Second of all, when they made the first wheel, you bet your ass it didn’t work great at first. I think that 2016 will be all about Elizabeth coming out and slaying the haters with explosive new rounds of investors, truly insane earnings report, and a device that tells diabetics to stop eating. I for one, cannot wait.

Town Most In Need Of A Reboot-San Francisco

The people littering the streets here are frankly disgusting. There’s also nothing to do here. There are numerous public sidewalks that could happily be turned into paintball ranges. I just hope it happens before it’s too late.

Well, that’s it. I’d sign off with the old cliche “see you next year”, but I’m already 5 years ahead most of you.

ChadzwickGlustone

Keurig. Ideas. Memories. Thoughts. Heineken. Tassimo. Both my parents are dead.