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A place to discuss terrible public relations and marketing.

Monday

09

November 2015

The "Dangers" Of Stress

by ChadzwickGlustone

Every mark of human progress has been benchmarked by the claptrap of alarmists. With the steam engine, there were those who claimed speeds in excess of 40 miles per hour would kill humans. The pyramids were built as ancient Luddites claimed they’d exhaust rock resources. Thomas Edison was nearly railroaded by the jealous Nick Tesla as he invented electricity.

As email and teleconferencing have proliferated, workers are now able to double their productivity in a week. The line between work and leisure has been miraculously blurred, and people are able to do more than ever. Of course, some aren’t moved by the literal thousands of pages of Excel more that are possible in a work day.

There are people who point to “stress” and “overworking”. Just like the lunatics who thought airplanes would destroy the clouds that give us rain, these anchors to human progress are more into petty superstition and ignorance than progress. The best anecdote to lies is truth, so I’m about to dispense a full firehose of correction at these flames of reaction.

As a man who owns over 1,000 books, I know a bit about everything. It’s not a big deal. I’d rather be reading a legitimate classic like “56 Rules That Every Manager Should Know” than drink beer at a club, so it’s my version of partying. While some people state that stress is bad for you, I have the benefit of knowledge from my lifelong education on my side.

So, what do opponents of the modified work week claim? Stress raises heart rates and blood pressure! Wah! I’ll never become anything! That’s what they say. Answer me this: what does exercise seek to do? Raise your heart rate. I’m no stranger to a round of sweating and rapid heartbeats during a particular raucous game of racquetball, and the rush I get from working till the wee hours beats that any day.

If stress is so bad for you, how come it provides the exact same outcome as exercise? You’d think it was a miracle, which it is. You can provide value for your employer, grow your 401k, and build character while exercising? It would take an idiot to oppose this. Which is the case.

With the science side of things decidedly not in their favor, the leisurnistas claim that the emphasis of work over other aspects of life leads to unhappiness and an empty existence. They claim that workers are missing important milestones in their children’s lives and only experiencing human interaction in an office environment. Wow, let me ask you something: have you ever seen a middle school play or ball game? They’re simply terrible.

Seeing your son or daughter fumble through something is only going to embarrass them. Sure, they may feign happiness that you were “there for them”, but they’re ashamed that you saw them run slowly, rigidly recite lines, play the clarinet like a complete asshole, or any number of other stupid things kids do. You should have been working so they could be inspired by your earning potential. I bet you feel stupid now.

Just how is office-based human interaction any less valuable than the rest of your life, anyway? Out there, you’re just another drone, emptily mumbling about the big TV show you all watch. In the office you are an efficient machine of production and value. Your conversations are centered on increasing value for shareholders. You’re essentially being the most useful you can be to society and yourself, as opposed to the heap of garbage with a pulse you are in the world. My employees (who I think of more as my children) are grateful to me for this.

So, next time you bitch and moan about long hours and seemingly endless work without meaning, consider the alternative. History wasn’t written in lawn chairs. It was written in spreadsheets. Now get to it!

ChadzwickGlustone

Keurig. Ideas. Memories. Thoughts. Heineken. Tassimo. Both my parents are dead.