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A place to discuss terrible public relations and marketing.

Wednesday

14

October 2015

Syria: A Solution Waiting To Happen

by ChadzwickGlustone

[Today we’re honored by investor, entrepreneur, and idea maven Jayceon’s presence again, as he tackles a hot button issue: Syria]

Syria. Sounds like serious. Maybe if anyone over there was just that, they wouldn't be in this mess. I’ll give you an abridged version of recent history: competing startups Islamic State, Al-Nusra Front, the Free Syrian Army, and Whatever Word The Kurds Call Themselves are trying to disrupt the regime of Bashar Al-Assad. Assad has maintained his grip as the fractured opposition fight each other, like Uber and Lyft, instead of uniting to fight him, like my wife and I when we’re out and presented with a server who’s got an attitude problem.

Politicians have done what they usually do and dithered while the country continues to lose value. Most solutions concern issues rooted in optics, like refugees, instead of concretes, like when Syria can return to profitability. I’ve taken it upon myself to solve the problems of this once-average nation:

Al-Nusra, ISIS, the FSA, Kurds, and Assad should be given $2 billion each in seed money. After a long, costly civil war, this fresh round of capital could free up the crazier innovations each faction has…crazy enough to work.

Assad wants to use holograms to make his dwindling forces look more numerous in size? Money for that. the FSA wants a blimp? Money for that. KKP thinks a streamlined delivery service for Stinger missiles can help them protect their land? Virtually blank check.

At the end of a 6 month discovery period, independent observers made up of the big boys on can tally the total amount of casualties. The side that has the best kill-death ratio will be granted the winner, and receive an additional $50 billion held in escrow in order to wipe out the remaining competition.

Sure, $58 billion seems steep up front, but it’s A. cheaper in the long run and B. an absolute steal for a country. Once profit sinkholes and inefficient parcels of land are jettisoned, Syria will be sold as a new startup, Syr.ia, at a massive profit. The investors get a return easily outpacing the S&P and the Syrian people get a revolutionized experience of sovereignty. Let’s stop asking “what can we do?” and start asking “when can we do it?”.

ChadzwickGlustone

Keurig. Ideas. Memories. Thoughts. Heineken. Tassimo. Both my parents are dead.