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A place to discuss terrible public relations and marketing.

Thursday

05

November 2015

My Advice To Ben Carson

by ChadzwickGlustone

Presidential campaigns are the only things that approach social media campaigns as far as importance. Needless to say, every single campaign could benefit from a PR expert looking over the candidate’s speeches. I’ve transcribed a speech from Ben Carson and have generously pointed out his PR flubs with what he should say.

Christians, brothers, lessers, (OK Ben, here’s your first problem: why are you mumbling! You’re on the trail, not the OR!). We’ve got a cop killing problem disguised as a racism problem. We’ve got a slavery problem disguised as a health care problem. We’ve got a freedom problem disguised as a mass shooting problem. The Gestapo in Washington are having a 24/7 costume party and committing a veritable holocaust against small business owners (Ben, no one says 24/7 anymore, that is going to alienate regular voters).

If you give me the ticket I need to Washington, I will cleanse the wicked with the sword of Elijah. The blood of the wicked will run through the streets as gold paves the streets of Heaven. B’ezrat Hashem (saying “if you give me the ticket” sounds desperate! You believe you can win, right? It’s about confidence). Tax and spend-o-crats, RINOs, and special interests will be lined up and paraded in front of lions, who will determine if they are truly accepting of Christ the King, devouring those who do not have even a mustard seed of love for Lord God (try spicing things up with a joke, like “or my wife when she’s mad”, otherwise there’s nothing wrong with this). Lust is a carnal sin, but lust for the downfall of Satan’s earthly agents is righteous as the moment of prayer.

We are but the housekeepers of the Lord for when he returns home and casts the many into the Lake of Fire. We aren’t about to give out free money to unchaste mothers. We aren’t going to appease our foreign enemies just so we can “feel good” about peace. If we have nothing to truly fear in that moment of judgement, the bullet of the shooter or the retaliatory strike from Iran after we drop 500 kilotons of ICBM fury on them will be a gift, an expedited trip to paradise. Those who fear death from acting in the hand of God show themselves to be brides of the Antichrist (bring up apps! Uber! Airbnb! Spotify! Young people vote too, doctor!)

Teachers should be given the power to execute people. You can tell if someone’s gay kind of by the shape of their face, I think. Global warming is a Manchurian plot. I told a terrorist to blow up my neighbor’s building. My wife and I communicate telepathically. When I close my eyes, I see a great lion of flame, steel and blood (Where are your buzz words, like solutions, synergy, energy, community, we, and disrupt? You will seriously lose everyone if you don’t say those words).

As you can see, there was a lot wrong with Dr. Carson’s speech. Luckily, it’s not anything a pro can’t fix!

ChadzwickGlustone

Keurig. Ideas. Memories. Thoughts. Heineken. Tassimo. Both my parents are dead.