by Conrad Updog
Sunday night was the 87th Annual Academy Awards ceremony, and rather than letting the humans watch the program in peace, the brands of Twitter saw it as a perfect opportunity for some sweet, hot #engagement action, whether anyone wanted it or not.
The last time we checked in on the Twitter brands, they were being annoying as fuck during the Super Bowl.
Frankly, I have to hand it to the social media managers of the world, who truly did step up their games for the Oscars. While their performances at the Super Bowl were merely upsetting, the real-time marketing at the Oscars was such that one could not help but wonder whether this planet was no longer fit for humans.
The most obviously out of place brand of the night was Flonase, which did not let the facts that it is the fucking dead of winter and there is nothing in bloom get in the way of its atrocious attempt to tie the Oscars to its nasal allergy medication.
Good use of hashtags there, too, for everyone searching for #ItchyWateryEyes and #AwardSeason.
As always, a despairingly awful night was turned in by DiGiorno Pizza, which continues to have success writing a million unfunny variations of "Imagine if frozen pizza were somehow involved in the television program you are watching."
Honestly, if I wrote the feelings I hold in my heart for the DiGiorno Twitter team they would probably be justified in calling the cops on me. Their work is the absolute drizzling shits, and my only hope is that they are deeply ashamed of it.
Just throwing this out there, but I would go door-to-door campaigning for a presidential candidate whose platform included a law re-enfranchising convicted felons and barring people who follow @DiGiornoPizza on Twitter from voting.
Film editing is the crust. Sauce is like visual effects & cheese is sound edit COME ON GUYS JUST TRYING TO MAKE THESE CATEGORIES INTERESTING— DiGiorno Pizza (@DiGiornoPizza) February 23, 2015
Like a school shooter whose atrocities have drawn the public's attention, DiGiorno has spawned copycats.
Here is an image someone was presumably paid real American dollars to make of a lobster holding a microphone because ... idk a lobster is the same color as the red carpet? Who thought this was a good idea? How do I start getting people to pay me for tasks that are such obvious bullshit?
Sadly, Red Lobster was not the only brand to go with the "imgaine the red carpet, a thing associated with the Oscars, but with our brand on it" strategy Sunday night.
Brawny proposed a white carpet made of paper towels, Trident littered the red carpet with an anthropomorphic stick of chewing gum, and Tribe Hummus put a package of hummus on a red background and called it a day.
The other thing brands know about the Oscars is that there are awards. As such, there were a lot of shitty jokes in which brands suggested that their products were the winners of esoteric and stupid categories like "Best Supporting Dipper" (Frito-Lay Potato Chips), "Best Party Idea" (Teflon brand popcorn bar), "Best Juicy Flavor" (Starburst), and wait for it ...
... BEST USE OF A STRAW HAT FOR 55 YEARS!
How fucking lazy are you, Little Debbie account runners!? Holy shit, "Best Use of a Straw Hat for 55 Years"???
IS YOUR ACCOUNT RUN BY FIVE-YEAR-OLDS WHO ARE JUST NOW LEARNING HOW TO CONSTRUCT JOKES!? Jesus fucking christ.
Poor, poor Motel 6.
Also weirdly out of touch was Citibank. I have now read this tweet five times, and I am still not sure what is going on, what is trying to be accomplished, or how it relates to Citibank. Good cartoon, I guess?
And now, for my three least favorite tweets of the evening.
No 3. Coors Light -- At last year's Academy Awards, Ellen DeGeneres took a selfie of herself and a bunch of other famous people that was actually an ad for Samsung's smartphones. A lot of people retweeted it, and social media marketing people breathed a sigh of relief knowing they had at least another year or two before they had to come up with another example of why what they do for a living is in any way useful (RIP: The Oreo Tweet).
This year, Coors Light chose to re-enact this thing that was annoying when it happened a year ago, but instead of people, this selfie has Coors Light cans and bottles in it.
No 2. PG&E -- The utility company, which absolutely does not need to be doing branding work on Twitter under any circumstances, tried to make the same stupid "and the winner is..." joke all those other brands did, only somehow it fucked it up.
Good try, Pacific Gas and Electric Company, perhaps next year you will do a better job of executing your cookie-cutter Twitter joke.
No 1. The UPS Store -- This is really the laziest and most inane shit a brand possibly could have done. Who okayed this?
Of all those tweets I just posted, it is hard to say that any of them accomplished anything at all.
Did anyone see Flonase's tweet and think they needed to do something about the allergies they don't have because it's February? Was anyone excited about the nominees being #energyefficient? Does anyone, anywhere, like this?
Not that I really give a shit that giant corporations are wasting their money, but damn, if you're going to flush away your marketing budget at least give it away to charity or something.