Any Asshole Can Become A Certified PR Guy

I’ve read about PR more in the past few weeks than I ever have in my life before. I went into this thing with a lot of preconceived notions—PR people are repulsive cyphers barely holding onto reality and drastically inflate their own importance. However, after spending some time reading these blogs and writing about them, I still believe exactly that.

Ed turned me onto an online PR accreditation exam this week ( Like most certifications you earn online, it’s total bullshit. All the study materials are filled with buzzwords and organizational jargon, but not what you actually need to succeed in PR, which is unbridled self-delusion.

Anyway, I took the practice test. I didn’t have high hopes, because the only things I know about are mixed martial arts, Gulf state politics, and the Metal Gear Solid series of video games. Hell, I barely have an idea how much food I’m supposed to eat in a day, much less what the Sun is, or how to do PR.

All the questions were more or less what you’d expect. Stuff like “If you’re doing a campaign about milk safety, would you A. Research milk, B. Hire outside experts, C. Conducts a focus group, D. Murder your boss”, and more complex questions like “What are the essential metrics of focus groups?”. On the former variety, I just went with the logical choice. On the latter category, I’d guess. It was terminally boring, and this is coming from a guy who reads OPEC meeting reports. By question 11, I was considering suing Ed for convincing me to slog through this hideously tedious crap.

That all changed when I saw that I passed. Sure, it was just the practice exam and the real one is 194 interminable questions. But if I was half-asleep and guessing and did this well, I could easily decimate the full version.

I have no idea what PRSA really is. It’s probably some type of pyramid scheme, but a certification is a certification. With that, I’ll be irresistible to my favorite PR websites, Everything-PR and PRDaily. I’ll write shithouse insane articles about other PR guys I hate. I’ll predict the next big hashtag campaigns of Black Friday and maximize the work day.

After 5 years of guaranteed income and health insurance at these places, I’ll be ready to branch out and start my own firm. I’ll proudly hang my shitty dumbass web certificate on the wall, and have a dumb fuck glass desk and glass doors in my office because everything I think is cool comes from a USA Network original series about people who work in an office. The Tassimo and Sodastream I’ll get will be the source of some bizarre inter-office power struggle, that I’ll mediate in the most smarmy way possible, intimating to my kiss-ass junior partners that I think of them as a shitty version of a family. I’ll have a big library filled with books but they’re all just called like “The 75 Rules Of Success” and “Apple: The Insane Geniuses”. People will excuse my public blackouts.

See you at the top, my bitch.