2015’s Nogoodnick of PR

Public relations is an apple orchard. That is to say, the rich tapestry of trees and fruit that populate this wonderful landscape are unfortunately marred by some good old fashioned “bad apples”. Rather than glossing over this spoiled bunch, we are going to take them head on. The best disinfectant is sunlight, and this guy is due for a heaping helping of the cleansing rays.

Dear Bashar al-Assad

If your regime’s barrel bombings and cynical death-grip on power weren’t enough, you have committed a grievous crime against me and my people. Sensing that the rules do not apply to him, President Assad, you have went again and ignored invoices and repeated inquiries for work done for you in 2011. PR people worked tirelessly to get your wife Asma a massive feature in Vogue highlighting her admittedly terrific fashion, yet in your typical Ba’athist despot ways, you have refused to cough it up. How much longer will you erase the work of my compatriots? Even your father, perpetrator of the Hama Massacre, wouldn’t go so far as to engage in nonpayment for services rendered. You deserve all the bad press you get, Bashar.

I’ve spoken to the people whose lives you have nearly destroyed. Can you imagine the pain and rage in someone’s voice when, after months of courting, winning, then working on a massive account like the al-Assad dynasty, they are stiffed outright? My God. I would ask how you have the temerity to do all this, but that presupposes you even contemplate the gravity of your immense crime.

Do you know the maintenance fees rendered every month for a condominium in New York or San Francisco? Do you know non-happy hour drink prices? I assume not, as you live in a land where everyone fears you and does not dare levy such charges. However, to the brave men and women who got your wife an entire feature in print, these prices are known all too well. How many loans did you cause to be taken out? How many forewent cocktails because you thought yourself too good to pay to the leading PR pros who gifted you The West’s eyes towards your wife’s wonderful spring collection? You don’t care. You have shown yourself as a man who puts himself above caring.

As this year closes, we have seen both the darkness and light of humanity. I would not expect someone with your degree of disregard for human rights or invoices to notice. However, this is where we are issuing a deadline: pay with interest to the genius media masters who helped you, or we will come down on you with tremendous fury. We will use negative SEO, promoted Tweets, and our media contacts to make you look as bad as possible. This ends with a bomb decimating Damascus. That’s right, whoever the American Commander in Chief is by 2017, they’ll be so moved by our words that they will have no choice but to make you answer. Bottom line, Bashar, you messed up. You could have screwed with anyone, but you screwed with the most important people in the world: those who work in Public Relations.